I Can't Break It To My Heart
by rcf1989
Summary: From Katherine's POV. Her thoughts after Mike dumped her for Susan, set after 6x09. Songfic, lyrics from Delta Goodrem's I Can't Break It To My Heart.


As I lay on the cold wooden floor of my kitchen, feeling the warm blood coming out of my stomach, more and more as minutes pass by, and salty tears coming from my eyes as the pain is so intense I can't hold them back, and I try to replay what just happened within a few minutes. I can't understand what I did wrong, if I ever made anything wrong, so that you had to be that way with me.

_If it's okay_

_I'll leave the bed light on_

_And place your water glass where it belongs_

_And if it's alright_

_I'll lie awake at night_

_Pretending i'm curled up at your side_

After all these months, I always hoped, even if I knew my chances were slim, that you'd come back to me. That you only married her because she was lonely, but I was so wrong. I knew you'd always love her, as she's the mother of one of your kids, but I never expected you'd turn out to be this... Hateful, regretful and jerkish son of a bitch. And what is even sadder, is that my love for you is still within me and it consumes me more and more everyday, but also it was the only reason I had to keep on living, to continue waking up everyday thinking "Maybe, today is the day, when Mike comes back home and all is just like it used to be."

_See i'm circling these patterns_

_Living out of memories_

_I'm still a long way from accepting it_

_That there's just no you and me_

I continued having those thoughts, and the more it passed the more it got stuck in my head. No one understood me, no one cared about how I was doing, how I was sinking more and more in my desperation. My friends, all gave me their backs and acussed me of being completely insane. Did none of them go after such an awful break up? No, it seems not. Everyone's painting me here as the villian while Susan pretends to be the innocent claiming I stole you from her. How could I do that? HOW!?!? Just how did I do that if you were the one coming into me? You were the one proposing it all? And we both were single at the time...

_But if I still believe you love me_

_Maybe I'll survive_

_So I tell myself you're coming home_

_Like you've done a million times_

_And if it's alright_

_I'll still be loving you_

_'cause I can't break it to my heart_

All I ever wanted, after all these years, after all these awful relationships, was for someone to truly love me for who I am. And I found that in you, or so I thought I did. All those times you said you loved me, I always believed you so either you're a better liar than I thought or I was just a fool blinded by love. The love that helped me to survive until today, even if I then seemed paranoid for some of you.

_Is it just me_

_Did I commit a crime?_

_I won't believe that loving you_

_Is just a waste of time_

_Or was it in my head_

_I'm reading into things that you never said_

I'll never regret what we had, no matter how much you now deny there was ever anything because if it was true.. Why did you claim so much that you loved me? That I was the best ever happened to you in a long time? Move in with me, or even asked me to marry you? I know I can be found half guilty of the last two situations but... You made the choices, I never made you do anything you didn't want to do, I wasn't pointing at your head with a gun telling you what to you had to do. No, you were free to choose and all you did? Was in what people consider a serious relationship and now I found out I was just your fuckbuddy or not even that. No, now I know you were wishing I was the woman you couldn't stand and so why you divorced.

'_Cause I still don't have the answers_

_To why we couldn't work it out_

_I wanna think it's something that I did_

_So I can turn it back around_

Was I really that bad? Was I such an awful woman, girlfriend and fiancé that you had to treat me that way? Wish I was someone who is completely different from me? I wonder how could I believe you or how could I have trusted you. I don't regret what we had, but if I had known... I would've moved to Maryland with Dylan and help her, I would've been with family and feel loved. But how could I have known this was going to end like this? After all, you can't prevent what you can't predict.

_But if I still believe you love me_

_Maybe i'll survive_

_So I tell myself you're coming home_

_Like you've done a million times_

_And if it's alright_

_I'll still be loving you_

_'Cause I can't break it to my heart_

In these months, I held into my only hope in which you'd come one day and apologize, admit you were mistaken and ask me to get back together. That, in fact, was a dream I've had many nights since the day you came to tell me it was over because you were going to remarry her. I've had that dream so many times, and the same number of nights I had the dream, the same number I woke up alone, making my smile fade away. Dreams always seem better, and in this case, all was good and felt well but in reality... No, here all is just a nightmare where everyone just hates me an wants me gone. Maybe they get their final wish come true, though we all know wishing only wounds the heart...

_And nothing will come between us_

_I wanna convince myself we're perfect in_

_Every single way as long as I can keep_

_The truth away from my heart_

_Oh 'cause i can't break it to my heart_

But before anything happened, I always had doubts that you'd leave me for how you were deffending Susan. You know she was always trying to get in between us but there you were, saying she was right even when everyone else knew it was wrong on her part what she was doing. I should've seen it back then, but I couldn't because my trust in you was bigger than my doubts... Until you broke my heart leaving me alone for her. I wish I could just take all this heartache and burry it, but I can't. I now want this feelings to be gone, but the more I try, the more they remain in me, and in the end this is what leads me to my current condition, but who cares anyway?

_'Cause I still don't have all the answers_

_To why we couldn't work it out_

_I wanna think it's something that I did_

_So I can turn it back around_

As I take my final breathes, I ponder the good and bad of our relationship and ironically the good side wins because you made me truly happy, I thought you were the one, the final and just Mr. Right. But how far from right you are when you come to me with threats, or saying such horrid things to me when I am just a woman in love who tried to do all she could to bring back her more than possible love of her life.

But what is love? I don't know anymore because all that has ever caused me is pain, and I want it all gone, just like you want me gone so everything's over. Game's over.

_But if I still believe you love me_

_Maybe i'll survive_

_So I tell myself you're coming home_

_Like you've done a million times_

_And if it's alright_

_I'll still be loving you_

_'cause I can't break it to my heart_

And with your words pounding in my head, I feel lighter. My head's also spinning and I am cold... I hear far away the ambulance, and then voices... Of those I once thought of as my friends, yelling my name and trying to open the door, but I no longer care for my life. I can't break it to my heart but you did, and that was already my death before I stabbed myself with that kitchen knife, and now as I lie on the floor, in a puddle of my own blood, I don't feel anything anymore....

Do I?


End file.
